remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
