I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
