I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
