omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
