rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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