i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
