hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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