Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
