So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
