i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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