Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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