My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
