Can i not drive my cunt home
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
