The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
