Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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