hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
