You smell like stripper and shame
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
