I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
