sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
