Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The air was thick with penises
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
