What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The power of my boobs compel you
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
