Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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