he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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