Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
