Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Randomize
