time to smoke my breakfast
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
