My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
