Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize