Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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