guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Please don't give away my fajitas
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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