Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
