He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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