It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
