sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
