My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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