Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
