He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
