And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
