saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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