I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize