turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
