Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
