that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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