My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
