i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
