the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
