Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
