Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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