come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
