Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
