I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
