i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
This beer is not sobering me up at all
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
