i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
