Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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