I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
