I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize