Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize