this beer tastes like vomit already
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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