Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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