im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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